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The Three T's for Grievers

Anonymous (not verified) June 4, 2012 - 11:45am

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By Sandy R Fox | Submitted On May 28, 2012

If you are a bereaved parent grieving the loss of a child, here is some

information to help you cope that I call the three T's for grievers.


Crying is a natural and healthy emotion. You will shed many tears for

your child now and probably forever. That is okay. Tears cleanse the

body and soul. After a good cry, you are able to resume what you

were doing. Don't let anyone tell you that it's been long enough; that

you should not shed tears anymore, that you should get over it. Cry

whenever you like or whenever you get the urge. Good friends will

always understand. After 18 years I still cry at the smallest, most

insignificant things that remind me of my daughter: a beautiful day

where the sun shines, a beautiful sunset, a special song, a movie, a

play...all the things that my daughter is missing because she is no

longer here. I pick up seashells on the beach as she used to, but

quickly throw them back. The intensity of the moment brings tears to

my eyes. Most bereaved parents can think of many similar times. But

when the tears dissipate, you, like me, will feel drained but better

able to cope with another day. Our grief journey will last a lifetime.


You need to talk, to let others hear your story, to let others know you

want to talk about your child. Your child lived, was a beautiful human

being, and you want him/her to be remembered. Let others help you

through the grief process by being supportive. Talk to your spouse,

your parents, your friends, your religious leader or a grief specialist.

Don't tell them "how" you are feeling. Tell them "what" you are

feeling. Certainly, don't pretend you are fine. You are not fine and will

never "get over it." You may lose old friends who don't

understand,you may have to rewrite your address book, but you will

be challenged to find new friends who do understand and want to

help. Those further on the grief journey can help you learn how to

cope and will gladly try to be of help, because, in turn, by helping

you, they know that they are also helping themselves.


Time is the great healer of human beings, but time does not heal our

grief over the death of a child. It only softens the intensity of the

grief. Hopefully, you won't always feel a heavy weight on your chest.

You will eventually find a new normal, but life will never be the same

as it was before this tragic death. Your grief is not on a timetable.

Others can not expect you to heal in a few weeks, a few months or

even a year. Everyone grieves differently and at different times and is

entitled to move at his or her own pace. Men and women grieve

differently and if married, be supportive of your spouse,

understanding that they too are drowning in a sea of grief, however

they express that grief. Other family members and friends should

understand you will always have a hole in your heart for your lost


We, as bereaved parents, are dealing with the worst thing that can

ever happen to us. We need friends and family members to be there

for us through our tears, to hear what we have to say, any time of the

day or night, no matter how long that journey takes. If you have close

friends and family who will do that, then you are truly blessed.

Sandy Fox is the award-winning author of two books on surviving the

death of a child. "Creating a New Normal...After the Death of a Child"

discusses 80 articles on various coping techniques, has 10

inspirational stories, and includes a huge resource section. Her other

book, "I Have No Intention of Saying Good-bye" is 25 stories by

parents who show how they moved on with their lives.

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